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*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Quick observation about the passage of time.
Iโm 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didnโt feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didnโt feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didnโt feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I couldnโt be a magician. Iโd never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: Iโm gonna put this in a safe place…
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
it took 26 tries to get this โmessyโ bun to look just right and he asked why I didnโt do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Iโve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, โOh shit, Daddyโs homeโ so at least I know sheโs on my side.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”