Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

A man of commitment.

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

Tough love is true love

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*