Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
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A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
lmao😭🤣