Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
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{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”