“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Eating for two.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.