“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
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:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
incredible google review i just found
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.