Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.

Exec: *under breath* whoa

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend