*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
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*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Worth remembering.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.