*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
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me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
So that’s what we looked like?
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.