Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It
…

was
…

nice
…

knowing
…

you

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

mathematically impossible

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…