*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
You Might Also Like
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments