Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

my mom making me talk to relatives

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)