Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
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me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
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Me: Same
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire