Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
You Might Also Like
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.