Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

long lost

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.