*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
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My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Florida be like…
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
This is what makes twitter great
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?