*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
![]()
You Might Also Like
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
guys i’ve cracked the code
![]()
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
![]()
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything