Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

how to have an accident 101

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

this is the news I live for

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.