Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

I like crazy people until they notice me

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.