Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
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“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Check out the legs on this baby
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Customer is always right
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now