Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
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“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.