Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
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I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
the three branches of government
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
We have a winner.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.