Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
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Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
long lost
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?