Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
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(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say