Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
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[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Finally a use for spoilers…
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.