Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
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My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”