Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
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Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I love art.
Goodnight 🐶
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
I created you as mosquito food.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.