Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
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[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.