religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
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My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Saturday
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Mornin. * use accordingly
