religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
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This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Air pods looking like an angry frog
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese