religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
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Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.