religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
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Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Pigeon open mic night.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.