“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
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I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*