Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
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I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out