Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
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[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.