Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.