Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

my lower back watching me try to live my life

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

Dietest Coke

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin