adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
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cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.