Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

Seek kebab; not attention

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working