remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
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Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
Winnipeg!!
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool