Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
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[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
HERE’S MARKY
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET