Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.