Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.