Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

#SaturdayBears

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me