Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
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My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I ain’t wearing no wire
