Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

[date]

ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.