Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
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How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Autocarrot sucks!
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
WHY would you be happy about this?
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.