Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
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Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
*limbos under the caution tape
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?