Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

This is your Captain speaking. Passengers with a view previously obscured by the wings may have noticed a sudden improvement

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

I am putting on so many clothes

*cold weather sext

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

This poor dog

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

Me: “I peed three times last night”

Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”

Me: “Getting up?”

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

Meth is short for Elizameth.

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…