Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.