Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
You Might Also Like
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that