Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
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I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone