Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
You Might Also Like
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.