Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

Text: can I talk to you about something?

Me: throws phone in ocean

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

house sitting!

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

Church Pugh’s

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

Acronyms got me like WTF?

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations