Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
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By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”