Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

where’s Godzilla when we need him

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

United Steaks of America

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you