Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

Who says great literature is dead?

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

Truth

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.