Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

We avoided this particular disaster

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.