Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
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Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.