Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”