Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes