Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women

Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

This is no longer winter this is harassment

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house