Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

I put the hot in psychotic.

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.