Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
You Might Also Like
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog