Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
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Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.