remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
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I’m not sorry.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
my favorite gender
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Meow
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Very good! 👍😂
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is