Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
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[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.