Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

they finally got him. they got macavity

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!