Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
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[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Beauty and the Beast
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.